Parenting, Defined

January 24, 2016

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Baby:  1. Infant. 2. Youngest child. Note: May be defined as a 50 pound, almost 6 year-old who wears a size 7-8.

Bedtime:  The primary time of day a child experiences bodily ailments that would prevent her from doing fun stuff at any other time.

Coffee:  Beverage, usually served hot, that functions as the exclusive reason for getting out of bed. See also: Socially-Acceptable Dependency.

Crap:  Formerly pronounced “Carp” for children’s sake, a word now deemed appropriate to say in front of childrenbut forbidden to be repeated by them. See related: Hypocrisy.

Friend:  1. For a child, anyone who will talk to you and share their toys. 2. For a parent, anyone who will talk to you and share their wine.

Kid Plaque:  The small toys, socks, broken crayons, and miscellaneous pieces of block sets that gather around the base boards of the room. See also: Vacuum Bait.

Pinterest:  Website used to organize, or “pin”,  resources and ideas for various topics that will actually never be utilized because, when seeking out said topic, one will inevitably find something new to pin instead. See also: Adult ADD

Phone:  What a parent is usually staring at while saying, “No, you cannot watch another episode, you’ve had enough screen time today.”

Prenatal:  1. Before birth. 2. The only time of life when one knows everything about correctly birthing and raising children.

Time Out:  1. A behavior management tactic, used to remove a child from a situation and allow her to reflect on her actions. 2. A parent survival tactic, used to remove a child from one’s sight so as not to reflect on how easy adopting a few rescue dogs would have been instead.

Truck Stop Restroom:  The image that must come to mind when surveying a bathroom in order for it to need cleaning.

Salad:  Healthy food item that is packed for adult lunch and abandoned for tater tots and a diet coke.

Vacuum:  1. A dog’s worst nightmare. 2.  Action taken because company is coming over. 3. Action taken because there are more crumbs and dirt stuck to your bare feet than is comfortable/permissible by DYFS.

This glossary represents my own experience only, and is by no means complete. Please add your own term & definitions in the comments, to be added to the glossary and credited to you. Thanks for reading!

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