WOW I Must Be LUCKY!

This list is called: Reasons It Totally Doesn’t SUCK that I’m Stuck Wearing the #$&%! Defibrillator Vest for Another Two Months:

  1. Interesting tan lines, come June.
  2. I get to explain to more people that no, the fat chick wearing a heart monitor actually didn’t have a heart attack. So pass the (unsalted) fries.
  3. I’m lucky to have caught this issue in the first place, back in February. I could have been walking around with my heart working at about 30% power for God knows how long. That’s how people die of this. (Rarely, in my age bracket, relax!)
  4. 36 square inches of metal and plastic panel on my back in the warmer weather will totally help with sweatin’ off the pounds, baby.
  5. Top shape for an Ejection Fraction, the measurement of how much blood pumps out of your heart, is 70. I got an E. F. of 35 on my ‘big test’ last week. That’s like getting a 50% on an exam. Still an F, but hey, it’s a higher F this time, right?
  6. I could position annoying students close to my walking path through the classroom, and conveniently hit them on the head with the box.
  7. An E. F. above 35 would have meant I do not need a defibrillator. An E. F. below 35 would have gotten a tiny one implanted in me. (Not fun, but ultimately less intrusive in your life and more reliable than “ole vesty”, at saving lives.) What number did I get? Exactly 35. There was basically one possible number that could have kept me in this holding pattern, and that’s what my heart scored. I’ll be in Atlantic City playing roulette now…
  8. what_is_image_2
    Cause…foxy.
  9. I was supposed to wait two months, get tested to see if we were doing the implant or not, but either way I’d be done with this $%&# thing in mid-April. I was counting down to that. Now, who knows? In two months, I may still need the implant, I may need to wait some more (unlikely), or I may be significantly better – hey, who doesn’t love a little plot twist?
  10. Bump the Velcro flap of box’s case against something, it opens, heavy metal box falls out, hits toe, BOOM, you’re a physical comedy genius.
  11. When the sensors malfunction and the siren goes off, scaring students and/or strangers, and they freak out – that just reminds me that people care. Especially that one nice lady in the store who I had to talk out of calling 911! How sweet was that?
  12. Why don’t I just keep it till October and the pads will make a nice “Hunchback of Notre Dame” costume?!
  13. 4667451_G
    Omigod srsly, so hot. (This is not a picture of me and I really hope you didn’t think it was.)

Yes, this list is a sarcastic pile of self-pity. While I realize improvement of any kind is a blessing and absolutely not something to complain about… Really? Exactly 35? Two more months. And some extra tests. Two. More. Months. Right up through the end of the school year.

Everything happens for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. Everything happens for a reason…

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4 replies on “WOW I Must Be LUCKY!”

  1. *hugs* I’m sorry you’re going through this, That thing you have to wear seems like it would really suck. Glad you’re talking and writing about it, glad you’re taking care of yourself. But, also. 35?! I would have been pissed off, too!

    1. Heidi, thanks. I’m not as ticked anymore (writing helps) and I’m trying to stay busy. Beyond the vest being temperamental, it’s also very poorly designed for a woman to wear. They clearly designed it for an old dude to wear, standing still, and that’s it.
      Thanks for your comment <3, I really appreciate!!!

  2. Does this reflect an inner stuburness coming to the surface? Is your heart saying–35, hmmm, so THAT’S the number I will be at that day?? You do have some bad luck, but as you pointed out, you’re here and improving. All I have to say is better you than me wearing that contraption. I feel for you girl. But maybe next time it will be much better, or even a 36.

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