Why I Don’t Miss Church, But Also Really Do

We don’t go to church anymore.

Let me attempt to explain the morality, silliness, and probable hypocrisy of our decision to stop being “church people”, as if I am solidly decided about any of it.

Background: We were very churchy people a few years ago. Hubby ran groups at the same Presbyterian church he’d gone to since high school. (He’d been pulled in by the music program there.) We had the girls baptized there. We felt very welcome and safe with our kids there, trusting the nice people around to keep half an eye on them, if we were in conversation or performing with the music department. Our kids’ first social interactions were in the church nursery. We were practically God-cheerleaders, running music for vacation bible school. I did the (I’m sorry, deadly dull and not particularly meaningful) membership classes. We met friends there.

Then one day Hubby gave them plenty of notice one day that he would no longer be running the programs that he’d run, so they could get replacements, and suddenly we were free on Sunday mornings. (I am an earlier church drop-out than Hubby, having stopped going most Sundays in favor of using that time to clean and/or spend time with my kids. I could do neither of those at church.)

Here are my reasons, and why they’re not quite right:

Reason: “Does God really send people to Hell?” “Can men marry men or can women marry women?”  “Were men really made first?” Oh, I should mention we’re liberals, and there is no way in Hell that ‘man is made like God and woman is a side project’ crap is being preached as truth to my daughters. Our big kid started to ask questions and understand the answers, and we weren’t sure we would like what she’d hear if she asked them of a church leader or Sunday School teacher.  I visited my grandmother’s church once and was told that TV was a tool of the devil and I was going to Hell if I watched Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles again. I was 8.  

But: There were some great people there. I honestly have no idea what they would have really said to my kid. A couple of them, Sunday School teachers – I could guess.

Reason:

Gaymarriage1

Gaymarriage2

I feel like this is such a ‘duh’ issue, but I know it’s still coming about for half the country. We knew people who weren’t comfortable letting church friends know some pretty important things about them, for fear of judgement. The official view of the Presbyterian church may be acceptance, but we strongly doubted that ran throughout that particular church. A lot of that had to do with the general age of the congregation; civil rights for the LGBT community is really an age issue. More about that later.

But: The Presbyterian church of the USA (general governing body) voted to allow ordination of pastors regardless of sexual orientation in 2010 and voted to allow marriages in 2014. (Very late to the party, guys! But better late than never. We were already gone at this point, though.)  I don’t know for sure how individual people would handle this at any church, I shouldn’t presume to know.

Reason: We felt pulled in many directions, with work and family. I didn’t want another commitment. I also wanted more time with my kids. Yes, I joke about sending their butts outside constantly for “Don’t Bother Mommy” time. But on weekends, I didn’t want to be shipping them off to a nursery while I sat, not really interacting with my husband, in a church service.

But: I realize how selfish this sounds – Oh, I know how I sound . This cut a generally positive social situation from my kids’ lives. This is why I finally agreed to sign them up for soccer. I miss the social-ness of church too. We met some really great people who we would totally still hang out with, if not for feeling very awkward about leaving. Having places to go and people to see is a good thing in my book, usually!

***

We did try going to several other churches. For a about a year, we were “church shopping”, mainly Episcopal and a couple Lutheran. You get wooed really hard, when you walk into a new church with your little kids in cute dresses. The cookies come out very quickly. We spent six months going to one church that was great as far as the concerns I listed above, but had so few children that some days nobody would show up to teach Sunday School. And eventually stopped going there too, and relished the quiet Sunday mornings with nowhere to go and time to sit around, drink coffee and juice, and play and talk with each other.

I really miss the music of church services. Music and God just go together. I got most of my musical experience at the Lutheran church where I grew up. Some quality music education reached me there, and well as some good friends. It’s for this reason that I feel like my kids are (going to be) missing out, and I should probably do something about that.

You’ll notice I said nothing about actual theological beliefs. Or God. Every one of us could write a giant essay about whether they believe in God (I do, kinda) whether they pray (I do, kinda), and whether they are down with that whole no-wearing-two-different-cloths thing. (Really, Deuteronomy?)

I said something about this vaguely back at Christmas, but I’m basically not presuming I know anything, other than the fact that we should be as good as possible to each other and to trust that everything is going to be ok in the long run. I feel like that didn’t change for me, while going from one church to another, to going to no church. I’m good.

Would we go back again? Sure. If we found the right place for us. But we’re in no hurry, and we don’t think it’s bad that we’re choosing not to go at all, at this point. I would really love to hear some thoughts on church, choosing one, or your thoughts on religion and social issues, including the above. Please comment! If it’s too personal, use the contact info on the left sidebar over there, or message me. Ha! Look at me pretending people read this who don’t have my cell # or fb contact info. Hilarious!

But seriously, I’d love to hear your ideas.

15 replies on “Why I Don’t Miss Church, But Also Really Do”

  1. *sings* You are not alone (in my best Michael Jackson voice) for me I have the same problem. I love church. I lived at church, probably just as much as you. Growing up I was a part of the “first family.” My grandfather was my pastor. I spent more hours in church in my youth I just thought everyone did it. Then I got grown. And I realized I could come and go as I pleased. My grandfather passed away about 6 years ago. It made me take a very long hard look at my religion. I have a new church that I visit more often than not. But yet I haven’t joined. Church was such (and still is) an integral part of my life. I’m not sure how I feel about any of this. I just know I need church to recharge. We all need something to draw strength from. You might even drawn strength from our comments to your comments. I don’t know. But keep it up. I understand what you are talking about. And while I haven’t figured it out myself. I am here with you and I know we will both reach a solution that works for our lives.

    1. Lekesia I completely get that sense of still trying to figure yourself out. I like the idea of the recharge – I hope you find that there and I would love some of that too. Thanks for your comment, as always, you know I appreciate!

  2. I am in a place in my life (this is a current, immediate place which will certainly feel less sharp in time) where I am clinging to God but am angry and fed up with His people. I am actually surprised that the things that happen don’t make me angry with or doubt God. But I think that it may be awhile till I feel completely comfortable in church again. And it may be a situation where I exist invisibly; worshipping with others, but not engaging in programs or delving strongly into church life. I remember a pastor’s wife who attended, but distanced herself from church life. I thought that was strange. But I get it now.

    1. Marybeth I know you’ve got a particularly “interesting” situation and relationship with your church (and will somebody PLEASE help you with VBS decorations?!) and you know I feel for you.
      You’re not feeling mad at God, I think, because God has very little to do with the decisions that are affecting you at your church – and THAT is the problem with those decisions in the first place. Love to you and I hope it ends as it should.

  3. Reading this sent my mine several directions. I was raised in church. We went every Sunday, even when we were on vacation. By the time I was entering high school I had been baptized as an infant in an Episcopal church and as a believer in a Baptist church. I also had become a member of the Baptist church and transferred that membership to a Methodist church. I chose to become a member of the Baptist church, but had to transfer when my parents stopped attending there. When I married, it was difficult to find a church that would fit a Catholic background and a definitely not Catholic background. After two years we found that same Presbyterian church you attended provided the liturgical order the Catholic could live with and did not require this non Catholic to sit out during communion. Of course, soon after finding a church to meet our needs, the needs changed as our family grew. Not wanting to begin that search again, we worked hard to make the church fit our family. After years of meetings, nursery duty, Sunday school teaching, running programs, and trying hard to make it work, we started the search again. I do feel obligated to have my children in church every week. I feel like there is so much bad in the world, I want my children to have someone other than me to look to for moral guidance. I want them to have Christian friends. I want to know we will meet again in heaven. That being said, I found it near impossible to find a church with a decent children’s program and good programs for adults. I was disappointed when church formed clicks under the disguise of small groups. I find it poor taste to form groups by invitation only and can say in one church I requested my family be included in a small group and we were never permitted to participate. Many churches I have entered fulfilled the needs of one family member, but none met the needs of everyone. The kids and I are now attending Sicklerville United Methodist church. They have good friends there. On Sunday mornings they are never the only kid in their class and they always have at least two teachers. There are engaging classes for adults. When we miss a few weeks, someone notices and checks in with a call or something. In addition to attending sumc, we also attend coastal Christian in ocean city. There we don’t know many people, but the kids enjoy themselves and look forward to our times there. Church should not feel like a chore, it should feel like a cool drink of water on a hot day.

    1. Carrie, it was cool to hear from you! You know where I’m coming from, clearly. I definitely agree with you, with wanting some extra education in goodness for our kids. Cliques happen at all churches by human nature, I think, and they stink. I’m really sorry you had the experience that you did. We didn’t feel that way in particular, but I can completely understand how it would happen. It’s a shame, because I know some other people there try so hard to be welcoming.

  4. Le Sigh…I think it’s a problem many parents of our generation are having. Here is why my family is currently ‘churchless’.

    First off, there’s a HUGE social generation and public policy shift going on right now. Simply put, we’re outnumbered. And how we want to raise our children (inclusive, loving, be kind to EVERYONE message), doesn’t always translate the same across the older generations.

    Adding to the generation gaps, the Church (at least our old church and others I’ve been around) have more support, and programs centered around the baby boomer+ crowd, than they do Children/Families. Sure, they say they WANT younger people in the church/involved…but their polices/schedules and interests seldom are inclusive.

    For example:
    Bible Studies held on a weekday afternoon-Working people and parents likely cannot attend.

    Lack of Nursery coverage during Evening events-This included Performances like the Christmas Cantata at my old Church btw.

    Not enough Sunday School Teachers/Structure for the young children, but several different levels of ‘Adult’ Classes

    Expectations that Parents w/ young children ‘get involved’ in groups/meetings etc. but no understanding if said parents have to attend meetings with their children and/or childcare to make life easier.

    Also, churches can be OVER welcoming to anyone new…and make you feel like prey. Geez. Not everyone wants to stand up and introduce themselves/have attention drawn to them/get a ‘welcome gift’ be greeted by a small army etc. Have the greeter welcome them and give them a small sheet of info/tell them who to talk to if they’d like to know more and be done with it.

    And lastly. OLD PEOPLE: STOP FLIRTING WITH MY CHILDREN. I am trying to teach them they need to sit, and be quiet and that there’s a time and place for everything…and you are screwing with that by offering candy, and cookies, and peek-a-boo. etc. And the same people doing this and making my life harder during the sermon are also the first to judge the moment my kid has a meltdown that ‘gee they really need to get a handle on their kids’.

    Basically, it doesn’t feel like a community. It feels like a ‘test’…one you cannot possibly pass.

    PS sorry for the long reply…but no, you are not alone.

    1. Kinsey I loved this! We really had this problem more at the Episcopal church we attended for 6 months; they wanted young families desperately but had no way of accommodating them. The church was this beautiful historic building across the street from the church hall, and the only really accessible BATHROOMS were across the street, too. Seriously. And Yes to a lot of the other things you said.
      We have enough going on in our lives. If it feels like a major chore or a show you have to put on, heck with it.

  5. For a long time I always said I attended “the little church of Laura” I only went to church on Christmas eve growing up. It wasn’t til I went to LVC that I went to the chapel service on Wednesday evenings regularly. After graduation, I was more concerned about a job than finding a church. It wasn’t until I was 28 that I started attending church regularly. I was drawn in by the contemporary music and a friend. I have met a lot of good people and friends over the last few years and was way over involved musically for a long while. Our church is very open and friendly, but I can’t stand the politics of a lit of things. Now I am at a point I call church burnout. I am ready to having Sunday free, and choose to go when I want to go. Even though I have attended organized services, I have never changed my thoughts of God from my ” little church of Laura” days. Hell I guss in my own way I still attend the little church of Laura, not the UCC church. So I guess it all boils down to this, I feel that I turned out ok with the little religion my parents taught me. I think that every parent has a right to teach their kid about religion in their own way, so they can make their own decisions regarding God. Lol, right now I’m actually dreading getting out of bed to go to church because I need to clean my house for company later…. I don’t know if this is helpful or not, but I don’t fault you at all for not going to church! Teach your kids what you believe and if you find church again as your kids get older, great, if not, great… God loved everyone regardless!

    1. Laura THANK YOU, I appreciate the opinion that if you teach your kids your morals and values and try to make them the best people possible, that is good. I’m also respecting the fact that my kids are going to be able to change their minds about church or God or whatever, so I’d better not get too attached.
      I remember chapel very vaguely at LVC. I had some ensemble or another Wednesday nights and didn’t go. 🙁 Thank you for the comment!!!

  6. We go to church for one reason, to worship God. The fellowship, the music, the missions trips, etc are all just added benefit. If it was all gone and we just had a plot of land we gathered on and sat on the ground and worshipped with others who just wanted to be there to be in awe of God and worship Him we’d still be there because we are there to worship God. I don’t say that judgmentally and I hope you know that because I adore you guys and your girls. I get that we are at opposite ends of the spectrum on most social issues and probably have never voted for the same people but I’m cool with that;) Honestly, you can get all the things you are looking for in other places so I get why you don’t want to be there (even when you kinda do) and it’s ok. I love you guys and if you ever wanted to talk about why we feel so passionately about God the door for that is always open! In the meantime we can just gather together and eat food and laugh at Poppop 🙂 🙂

    1. Shannon thank you! I guess I’ve always felt like the peripherals of church, fellowship, music, etc., were there for community and character building, and that I had my own relationship with God that didn’t require regular attendance to one building or another. While I miss those things that I mentioned here, you’re right, they can be gotten elsewhere. I think that’s why I don’t feel a big rush to find a new place of worship – because I don’t feel like I need a PLACE for that at all, and my own personal understanding of God doesn’t involve the need for group worship. Thank you for commenting!!

  7. I wouldn’t be Christian if it weren’t for the existence of progressive Christianity and the congregations that embrace it.
    See: “Christianity for people who don’t like Christianity” http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rev-roger-wolsey/progressive-christianity_b_892727.html
    “Why I’m Spiritual *and* Religious” http://www.patheos.com/blogs/rogerwolsey/2014/12/why-im-spiritual-and-religious/
    and
    “7 Ways to Find a Progressive Christian Church” http://www.patheos.com/blogs/rogerwolsey/2014/01/7-ways-to-find-a-progressive-church/

    Roger Wolsey, author, “Kissing Fish”

  8. Mr. Wolsey, thank you! I enjoyed reading these articles – I had actually found the “7 Ways to Find a Progressive Christian Church” when I Googled something similar – it was how we located a few Episcopal churches in our area.
    I love that you play trumpet and especially appreciated the comparison of playing alone vs. playing with others. As a musician there’s a great point raised there as well, outside of spirituality.
    Thank you for your comment, I really appreciate it.

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