Alice and Sexy Cheeseburger

October 17, 2016

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This ad just makes me sad. I can’t find it on Youtube, but ispot has it up here.  I’ll break it down for you. (Sorry about the play buttons in the middle up of the photos – I screen-capped the video.) Don’t mind me including my own voice-over.

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“OMG, aren’t we totes adorbs as Sexy Queen of Hearts, Sexy Mad Hatter and Sexy…Jenny, what are you, a Red Riding Hood/Wolf hybrid? Whatevs, we’re cute.”

 

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“OMG WHAT is that Alice chick wearing? She looks… Like she works… At the deli.”
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“OMG u guys we can NOT let her trick or treat with us, she is blowing our whole “Sexy Literary Character” vibe.”
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“OMG she’s transforming! Is that the new Bright Idea Illuminating Stick from NYX Cosmetics?”
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“OMG! That satin bustier = totes adorbs!”

 

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“OMG u guys, we r🔥!”

Yes, these are (very young) adults and not teenage girls. However, teens are going to see this ad and assume it’s for them. They just are. Just like when we started reading Seventeen magazine at 13. Or was I the only one sneaking peeks at that at the dentist’s office?

Yes, this is a commercial for a costume store. Of course they’re going to show homemade costumes in an unfavorable light. They want you to plunk down $40 for an Alice in Sluttyland outfit, not make it at home!

Yes, Sexy Witch, Sexy Cop, and Sexy Pirate are your results when Googling Women’s costumes. Actually, I Googled “top women’s costumes” and got Sexy Cleopatra, Sexy Oktoberfest Girl, and – no lie – Sexy Freddy Krueger.

But: I do not like this ad, Party City. Besides perpetuating the Sexy Halloween epidemic, it’s just mean. I want to hug poor Alice. She does not deserve ostracization just because of a half-assed outfit. Actually, let me rephrase that: She does not deserve ostracization JUST BECAUSE SHE DOES NOT HAVE HALF HER ASS HANGING OUT. This makes me sad. It also makes me really, really proud that my daughters are going as Hermione Granger and a werewolf.  However, the sexy costumes are here to stay. So, in the spirit of embracing modern Halloween…

Submitted for your approval: My favorite “Sexy Halloween Costumes That Didn’t Need to Be Sexified”.  I will take votes as to which one I should buy and wear while I walk my kids around in suburbia.

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“Sexy Deviled Eggs”

 

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‘Sexy Cheeseburger”

 

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“Sexy Dorothy Fish from Elmo’s World”

 

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“Sexy Yoda”

 

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“Sexy Olaf”

And, sorry, but you can’t un-see this one…

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“Sexy Donald Trump”

I’ll take your votes in the comments.

Also, if your kid is going as something you’re particularly proud of this year, share it here! 

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12 Things I Want My Daughters To Know

October 2, 2016

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  1. Your intelligence should be ever-expanded with quality books, education, and conversation. Don’t stop seeking them out.
  2. I really don’t care if you don’t take a jacket. You’re not going to die of exposure in New Jersey. Just don’t be the girl who doesn’t take a jacket and then whines about the cold. She’s annoying.
  3. Focus on what you want your life to look like, not your body. Your body is a freakin’ beautiful miracle. Go do cool things without worrying how you look.
  4. If you stop laughing about stuff I’m pretty sure you die of boredom. So there’s that.
  5. Four hours into a night out, you probably won’t care what shoes you wore. But, you will care if you can’t walk. Or dance. Choose the shoes carefully.
  6. You’re both smart girls, but kindness is your highest goal. I care much more that you would invite the loner kid to sit with you at lunch than I do about you getting into the “right” college.
  7. There is no “right” anything, while we’re on that subject – not clothes, friends, college, house, career, nadda. There is only what’s right for your situation. But, Mom and Dad get to help you with that situation, so NO, you’re not wearing that skirt.
  8. To quote the internet, “Life is too short for fake butter, cheese, or people”. Steer clear of all three. Actually Cheese Whiz definitely has its place…
  9. Whatever it is, don’t be afraid to try it, and think long and hard before you quit. This does not apply to certain controlled substances.
  10. Make-up can be washed off. Haircuts will grow out. Tattoos are forever. Just saying.
  11. If someone does something that hurts you, try to understand them. It doesn’t make them right, but you’ll probably find that their actions aren’t about you in the first place.
  12. Your dad and I always, always love you.
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$%@# my students say about cardiomyopathy

February 28, 2015

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So I’ve had the surprisingly enjoyable task of  explaining the whole “Where Was Mrs. D” thing to my students. I basically told them 5 things:

1.  I was really sick and I didn’t know it. Always tell your parents and go to the doctor when you feel like you can’t breathe right.

2. My heart doesn’t pump very well right now. (My phrase for this is “wussy heart syndrome”. They eat that up.)  It might get better and it might not, but either way there’s no reason to think I won’t be ok. I am tough.

3. I have to take medicines that  will hopefully help my heart get stronger. But, they make me very tired sometimes, and dizzy. If anyone ever faints, we do NOT touch them. We find the nearest adult to help. This is not likely to happen to me at all, so relax.

4. I have to wear a special undershirt that has little circle things in it to check how my heart beats, day and night. It’s connected by a wire to this box I’m wearing like a purse. If my heart stops pumping right (“wusses out”), the special shirt will zap me with electricity so my heart will work again. The black box might ‘ding’ sometimes when the shirt isn’t working right. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong.

5. This is not something that is likely to happen to you, or anybody else you love.

This has been a nice time to sit down and just talk to my 500+ kiddos. Their concern has been real and their questions and responses have been a little too real.

But hey, if you can’t laugh at cardiomyopathy, what can you laugh at, right?

So these are questions and responses I have gotten from my 5 – 11 year old students when I explain the above list to them. I started writing them down to share, because I love these little nutjobs.  My responses are italicized.

“Will your heart tell you when it’s fixed?” No, they will take pictures again, but that would be cool.

“Do they let you keep the pictures?” I doubt it but if it’s good I’ll frame it.

“My grandpop had a heart attack because he ate too much red food. Did you do that?” You mean did I eat too much red meat? No, I –  “No! Meat is brown.”

“Did it hurt when you died?” Um…No. I’m good.

“Will it hurt if it zaps you?” No. I would have probably fainted by then. “But it will zap us if we’re touching you?” Possibly, but you’re not going to touch me or anyone who has fainted, you just get an adult. “Will it reach out and like lightening, and zap us?” NO. You’re picturing Return of the Jedi.

“Can you use the box to save somebody else’s life? Like the school’s one? [Defibrillator]” Yes, I’m going to be the new super hero, Defibrillator Woman. Zap zap. Just kidding. But cool question.

“What are you gonna do if you can’t go swimming in the summer!?!?!?!” I will most likely be done wearing this, one way or another, by summer. Hopefully. Otherwise, I will cry.

“Um…it [the box] blinked red. Are you OK?” That just means it’s on. I’m good.

“What would happen if ALL the adults in the school fainted at the same time?” I’d say we would leave (extremely unlikely, quiet student) in charge.

“So, like, you can’t take it off? Are you not gonna shower?! For months?!!” Um… I take it off to shower. EW.

“What happens if you faint in the shower with the shirt thing off?” Well this is getting personal. It’s not likely that I’ll faint at all. But I guess then it would turn into taking a bath.

“What happens if you faint when you’re going to the bathroom?” Well that would be bad, but wouldn’t I have worse problems, at the time?

“What happens if you drop it [the monitor box] in the toilet?” Thanks, now I’m going to worry about that, too.

BUT the winner is:

“Did you know that the hospital is where they take babies out of your tush?” Yes. Yes I did.

 

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The Greatest Story Ever Told

December 24, 2014

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So, leave it to the BBC to perfectly sum up how I understand Christmas. I know, those Brits are always so warm and fuzzy. Not. I love this:  Vicar of Dibley, aside from being a funny and intelligent TV show starring the incomparable Dawn French, has pretty much nailed my entire understanding of religion in one quick monologue, flanked by vulgar jokes. From 1:05 to 1:30 or so of this video – GO WATCH IT and tell me I’m wrong.  We all have our grown-up issues with faith/religion/That lady pastor on TV with the short hair who yells at people a lot. But this? It tells your inner cynic to stuff it in a stocking. Oh what the heck, it’s Christmas, I’m posting her quote. Deal with it:

“2000 years ago a baby is born in a stable; the poorest of the poor. And yet during his lifetime, he says things that are so astonishing, that millions of people are still living their lives by them today. He said, “Love thy neighbor.” He told us to turn the other cheek, whatever people might do to us.”

I don’t know much else, but 1:05 – 1:35, especially? It’s comforting to hear something that I get, and am very good with. Another awesomer-than-awesome story I stumbled upon just this morning, belonging to the superb blogger Allie Brosh is a post at Hyperbole and a Half. Here you go:  The Year Kenny Loggins Ruined Christmas. If you’ve never heard of this creator of the “Do all the things” meme graphic… Do your brain a favor and go read her illustrated narratives. Her Christmas Story is the best thing ever. I woke the husband up by laughing in bed this morning. So, religion, explained by Ms. French so I can get it, and a freakin’ funny story: My Christmas gifts to you, my throngs of devoted readers.  

PS: Yes I’ll blog more in the New Year.  

 No idea what this chick is smiling about. Being Santa is hard work. 

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Baby Poser

October 2, 2014

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Because I’m awful… But so are these.

Enjoy…

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Moments later, baby Emily was tragically crushed by the ostrich returning to its nest.

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Sure, but if a grown man wears this cute outfit, everybody assumes he’s a stripper.

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Because she wanted the happy, incident-free life of Daisy Buchanan.

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The bow says “I’m Mommy’s princess!”, but the face says “No more Jager for me…”

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Red Fraggle wore it better.

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If God didn’t want us to wrap the baby in masking tape, he shouldn’t have made him so damn wiggly.

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You realize “Black Swan” is not a children’s movie, right?

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Now I’ll just take out this trash…

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Get me a Mai Tai, biotch.

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Oh yeah. This looks totally safe.  #babyslingshot

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What a fun way to mortify the kid before he’s even born!

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“Mommmmm, that damn stork dumped another one!”

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First of all, screw you, that you looked this good while pregnant.  And where are you hanging this tasteful work of art, exactly? Men’s bathroom?

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This would be a better metaphor if the husband had a baseball bat and an OB/GYN had that glove. Homerun!

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Did you guys leave your shirts at the hospital?

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Disclaimer: I have done stupid stuff like this, including matchy Halloween costumes and digitally scrapbooked greeting cards.  But I didn’t paint baseball stitches on my tummy, so…winning.

Besides, what else am I gonna do on Pinterest, find kiddie crafts? Ok, I have done that too.  Actually I love Pinterest, and not for the recipes. My board of infantile snark is called “Baby Poser: Bad Baby Photography”, username is Meggyrd.

10 points if you tell me your favorite one.

20 if you give it a new caption. GO!

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7 Tips for Back-To-School Success

September 1, 2014

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We are a two-teacher household, and we do not “work” in the summer. We keep busy with summer rehearsals for school-year ensembles, curriculum writing, prepping classrooms for the next school year, I’m taking courses towards my Master’s, blah blah blah…Oh yeah and we do have the kids. So yes, “It must be nice to have all summer off.” You know what? It truly is.  It’s reparative and rejuvenating.  Without summer, most teachers would burn out twice as fast, do half as good a job with their students, and quit. Everybody knows that, right? Good. 

In teacher world, the last week of summer means one thing: DO ALL THE THINGS.  It’s an understandably huge checklist of Must Do This Before September, so as to delay the inevitable transformation into a tired, crazy person once the year starts throwing its punches.

Being an immature and slightly irresponsible person (my husband patiently calls it “spontaneous”), I get a different urge that last week: Go places and do fun stuff, because life is for the living and the tired crazy person thing is gonna happen anyway.  It’s like Jekyll and Hyde for educators.  We rode the train and ate and drank in Philly, went to playgrounds, went out, had friends over, swam, slept in, did absolutely nothing, went on a pirate ship

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(Did you think I was kidding? This is my new mental happy place to go to when in-service meetings run long…)

So here we have this, From Parent Further, Back-to-School: A Parent’s Checklist. Isn’t it great?

“One month before school starts, do this…Three weeks before school starts, do this….”  Yeah. “Great”, as in, “Haaaaa, I laughed so hard, that was ‘great’!”

I have my own special check list for you, guaranteed to bring you back-to-school happiness. Feel free to print and post on the fridge for your own convenience, as we return to school this week in New Jersey. If you’re already back… my condolences.

  • Children who watch a maximum of 2 hours of TV and eat a balanced diet including 5-7 fruits and vegetables a day do better in school. Encourage your child to sit near one of those kids.

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I Love Louis

August 28, 2014

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A (smart) relative told me years ago that I’d love Louis C. K.

She was wrong at the time. I hated him.

At her suggestion, I checked out his TV special called “Hilarious” on Netflix, which was supposed to be pretty good. Hilarious, in fact.  It started out with a pudgier, red-haired guy ranting about the word “faggot”. When he was younger it didn’t mean what it means today. Why is it such an insult now? “Faggot” had nothing to do with a judgement of one’s sexual orientation; it meant your social behavior was annoying and you were being, well, a “faggot”.  And he went on like that.

Already I feel like apologizing for this ugly word, and I’m just quoting someone else.  I got tired of hearing that word pretty quickly then, too, and turned off the TV. I wouldn’t blame you if you already clicked off this post. You didn’t, did you? Still here? Well you did better than me. At the time, I completely missed the point in his opening bit: Though societal factors affect their connotation, words have only the power that we give them. I know, deep, right? I still turned it off. I just didn’t hear the message over voice expressing it; swearing like a sailor. Or a crabby, balding, 8th grade boy.

I recently gave him another chance when he came up on a comedy radio channel on Spotify (more about this addiction another day). I was driving through several states to see my sister, and there was Louis. He was explaining both sides of the spanking issue. Kids are tiny, barely-formed people who trust wholeheartedly and whose behavior is mostly our fault, and we’re BIGGER than them, yet we hit them as punishment…but on the other hand, parenting is a high pressure job that sucks you dry and he can completely understand life’s stressors contributing to someone lashing out – because he’s wanted to a billion times. Me too, buddy. Me too.

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The Pigeon Needs a Makeover

August 24, 2014

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What do you do, when you you are “requested” to read the same book 47 nights in a row? You screw with the Pigeon.

Ah, the magic of photo editing software. I hope Mo Willems will forgive me. We do love his work around here.

Besides,

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Honest Pigeon Titles:

pigeonbo 

Pigeon Shit

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